you know, it's very unlike of me to be like this. i read a friend's blog yesterday &it got me thinking the whole night. the whole lot of entry (yes, without a paragraph) really makes sense. something like, how far would you go loving someone more than you love yourself? and how hurt will you get when things just didn't go your way?

afterall, all the good things will never end.

so i got the point. funny how my mind seemed to wander elsewhere while i was designing this new layout. finally, i came to conclude that i should try not to depend on someone else anymore. i should get some rocking life out and yah, just "try" and "should". maybe i wouldn't get too disappointed in the end. i hate this feeling that im having right now. i just wish that i could type down almost everything here but some things are just meant to be within me. i think im too paranoid. okay no, paranoid is not a cool word to describe me. i just think that i cannot put everything behind and pretend that im okay. like, smile even if it hurts. plain bullshit.

every single night, my brain starts to "exercise" &finally just before 3am, i realised how much i can't get on with my life. it seems like every bad things just happened last night and it takes more than just a courage and strength to move on. im weak, so i got to admit that. &ive been having bad dreams that left me gasping for air or even find myself in tears. people around me who keeps hearing the changes in my voice, repeatedly asked me "hey, what's wrong?" or "are you okay?". damn, how i wish people can just read my mind and instantly know what im feeling.

im just tired of trying. can you please treat me better?