this is the fuming part; i was about to get myself involved when my phone beeped and it was mom, asking me if i've eaten. i went back in, and seconds later, the phone beeped again. mom. god, can you please stop torturing me at this wild hours? and she went: don't be home late okay? i couldn't help saying yes mom, don't you worry so much okay? i promise to eat your rice once i get home okay? mom, don't call me too often okay, cause im afraid i can't pick up your call. fine, she sounded disappointed, but oh well. so i went back in again, and i supposed, from the way the bouncer looked at me each time i went in and out, he might think i probably suffered from doorlover since i can't stop pushing and pulling that heavy door. hahaaa!

(mom do care about me and yes, she loves me, still. im proud that you're my mom.)

the second time i went it, i only managed to catch the last part of the song; i was, obviously, mad at myself. without giving a fucking care, i grind with preetyboy and boy, he was shocked. since that grinding thing, he couldn't stop bugging me; asking how the hell did i know how to grind and how the fuck did i know how to dance that well.

i put a halt to everything and went: i was once a malay dancer, remember? ok, that was a stupid one, dirah. i thought. but malay dance don't teach you how to grind, he claimed. great, so he knew how stupid i was, hahaaa. baby, it doesn't matter. probably i was made to dance. i tried to assure him, but it didn't work out. that kept him going; reminding me over and over again not to grind with anyone, except him. yes of course, darling. :D

as promised, i got home and ate the rice. read this: funny how i was insanely happy one minute and guilt-ridden the next. it was amazing that mom hadn't noticed, but i suspected that she, like me, hadn't wanted to see through everything. it's always easier to believe in fantasy, to tell yourself lies. don't you think so?

anyway, to my dearest preetyboy; i miss you so much, do you know that? this is crazy cause i suddenly found myself sniffing my right palm, surprised enough to catch a whiff of your scent on my palm and it made me want to rush to your home and hug you. but then, a second later, the scent had vanished into thin air. i kept sniffing my palm, trying to bring it back, but i couldn't. and an hour ago, i was busily checking out on our photo album. do you know that each photo taken actually brings back all those sweet memories and all the things we've shared together? awesome. despite the cold shoulder i gave you just now, i just want you to know that no matter what, i do love you and i want every single thing about you. i admit; i can't live without you. just like how a newborn kangaroo cling in its mother's pouch, i need you.

diabetes anyone? ;p






why is growing up all about giving up? why is adulthood all about replacing fantasy and dreams with reality, and hope with cynicism?